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    You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
    You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
    You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
    Audiobook5 hours

    You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas

    Written by Augusten Burroughs

    Narrated by Augusten Burroughs

    3.5/5

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    About this audiobook

    You've eaten too much candy at Christmas…but have you ever eaten the face off a six-footstuffed Santa? You've seen gingerbread houses…but have you ever made your own gingerbread tenement? You've woken up with a hangover…but have you ever woken up next to Kris Kringle himself? Augusten Burroughs has, and in this caustically funny, nostalgic, poignant, and moving collection he recounts Christmases past and present—as only he could. With gimleteyed wit and illuminated prose, Augusten shows how the holidays bring out the worst in us and sometimes, just sometimes, the very, very best.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMacmillan Audio
    Release dateOct 27, 2009
    ISBN9781427207746
    Author

    Augusten Burroughs

    Augusten Burroughs is the author of Running with Scissors, Dry, Magical Thinking: True Stories, Possible Side Effects, A Wolf at the Table and You Better Not Cry. He is also the author of the novel Sellevision, which has been optioned for film. The film version of Running with Scissors, directed by Ryan Murphy and produced by Brad Pitt, was released in October 2006 and starred Joseph Cross, Brian Cox, Annette Bening (nominated for a Golden Globe for her role), Alec Baldwin and Evan Rachel Wood. Augusten's writing has appeared in numerous magazines and newspapers around the world including The New York Times and New York Magazine. In 2005 Entertainment Weekly named him one of "The 25 Funniest People in America." He resides in New York City and Western Massachusetts.

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    Reviews for You Better Not Cry

    3.5/5

    219 ratings23 reviews

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    • 2/5
      Author tried too hard.
    • 2/5
      Read this since Christmas is approaching and I found a used copy lying around. Doesn't quite live up to the book it seems it's trying to emulate (Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris), which is by far the better book of Xmas-related short stories.
    • 2/5
      Every year, new Christmas books are published and line the new books shelf at the library like tacky decorations on a Wal-Mart display. And, without fail, every year, people tell me that I have to read some new seasonal book like The Christmas Box or Skipping Christmas or some other piece of Hallmark bullshit that makes me want to put my eyes out with a barbecue fork. I always decline.But I always want to read something special for the season, because I love Christmas. I always have. I still get that tight feeling in my chest that I used to get as a child days before the twenty-fifth. I had some fall back options. I could reread The Stupidest Angel or Holidays on Ice. Or, worst case scenario, I could certainly find some Dickens short stories to tide me over.But, no. This year, Augusten Burroughs put out a Christmas book. The library didn't have it, so I had to buy the motherfucking thing, but, in the end, I got to read an Augusten Burroughs Christmas book. I knew I could trust Augusten to keep the unnecessary, useless sentiment out of my Christmas. And it was just about perfect. There was an oh-so-satisfying balance of Burroughs' crazy childhood and his drunken adult years. There were loads of bad decisions and outright disasters. There was hope, though. Just enough to keep you from getting depressed.What I liked most about this collection was Burroughs' approach to it. He didn't seem to come off like a David Sedaris knock-off as he has in some of his other work. The humor was there, but he didn't force his stories to be funny; in this collection, his is more of a gallows humor. This was a great read and I'm glad I bought it, even if I did have to pay (almost) full retail price for the opportunity. I only wish it was longer. I didn't want to stop reading, and the end seemed to be coming right up almost immediately after I started.
    • 3/5
      A collection of personal essays about memorable Christmases. Some are humorous, such as when a very young Burroughs was gifted a life-sized Santa doll that had a wax face, which he chewed off. Other essays are bleak, featuring disease, death and betrayal. I don't know how much of these stories are true and how much is fiction, as "Why Do You Reward Me Thus?" reads like a made for tv movie, with the author getting blackout drunk for two days, then waking up on Christmas day to find himself among lucid, caring people who happen to be the group of homeless people who camp on the street near his NYC apartment. That one of these people studied opera and sings an aria to him while doling out profound advice about life made me roll my eyes. Still, an interesting holiday-themed collection.
    • 4/5
      You Better Not Cry by Augusten Burroughs is a collection of Christmas essays that range from exceedingly funny to mind-blowingly sad. I was practically in tears after reading the second to last essay entitled “The Best and Only Everything”, and then the last story, for me the gem of the collection, “Silent Night” ended the book on a perfect note. This was not the book I thought it was going to be, but a much more meaningful and deeper reading experience. The stories run the gamut from abrasively funny, to cynically sentimental, yet instead of an anti-Christmas book, I felt quite warm and fuzzy after I turned the last page. These are certainly not your typical Christmas stories as You Better Not Cry is full of disasters and bad decisions and I think there will be some people put off by his darkness, yet his writing is beautifully descriptive and whether he is writing about his confusion over Santa Claus or his own sexuality, this book comes across as both witty and honest.
    • 5/5
      These are some stories, memories, of Christmas past by Burroughs. The first ones are from his childhood when little Augusten didn’t know the difference between Santa and Jesus or just wanted all the presents he definitely could get. As the young kid becomes a young man the problems become more severe. And although I started some of these stories thinking “Get over it! Not another booze and wimpy I-am-so-miserable-story”, they all turn out being beautiful images of a life, of experiences and of human interaction that leads to new insights.Well, I loved “The Best and Only Everything” best because the way Burroughs describes his first long-lasting relationship is so touching and moving, not only because of all the romantic moments, but mainly because of all the true human feelings like dislike, hate, disappointment and regret that are in it, too. And after having read “Silent Night” I really got the Christmassy feeling. A wonderful read, not only on the 25th of December.
    • 4/5
      I found this hilarious. I read it immediately after reading "Running With Scissors." I love love love Augusten Burroughs. When he confuses Jesus with Santa I about peed my pants.
    • 3/5
      Not your usual hippy dippy Christmas book. Burroughs is dark and comic and complicated. Interesting and at times funny and heartbreaking. He shares some of his memorable Christmas pasts and not so pasts and made me wonder if this stuff was really true...poor kid, glad he survived and is kind of normal.
    • 4/5
      This book is an account of the horrible and ridiculously horrible Christmases of Augusten Burroughs. All the stories straddle the line between funny and horrific. I liked the writing and I did laugh out loud several times. The stories move chronologically, and I thought the earlier ones were better. The later ones tend to be funny/depressing with some uplifting endings which seemed somewhat conventional. In the title story, young Augusten confuses Santa and Jesus to the horror of his grandparents. They bring a giant Santa which Augusten loves too much, with unpleasant but funny results. This was my favorite story – it was consistently hilarious and the ending was comic rather than Christmas-lesson-learned. The next story was also pretty funny and describes a disaster of a gingerbread house. “Claus and Effect” finds Augusten at his most spoiled, as he demands ridiculous presents culminating with the ubiquitous pony request. The rest of the stories deal with adult Augusten’s Christmases. Augusten wakes up next to a Santa impersonator with no memory of the previous evening in “Ask Again Later” – a story that is still funny but somewhat squirm-inducing. “Why Do You Reward Me Thus?” starts out with a laugh-out-loud-funny takedown of Christmas songs and continues with more painful comedy as Augusten wakes up from an alcohol-induced blackout to find that he’s celebrating with bums. At first disgusted, he realizes that he likes it. He gets friendly with a classy ex-singer bum and has something of an epiphany. While I do approve of the idea of an operatic aria causing a life-changing moment, the end was the start of too many lesson-learned endings. “The Best and Only Everything” was more of a painful relationship story with a happy ending as the narrator prepares to celebrate the holidays with his boyfriend George, who has recently been diagnosed with HIV. The last story “Silent Night” finds a now-stable Augusten deciding to do Christmas again with his partner Dennis but an accident derails their plans. At the end, everyone comes together to help them – the Christmas miracle in that story.I haven’t read anything else by Burroughs but someone who’s read all his stuff might think that this is Burroughs-lite. Also, there’s quite a bit of unhappiness in the stories so they could be off-putting rather than funny for some. I enjoyed it though and wouldn’t mind reading more by Burroughs.
    • 4/5
      Augusten Burroughs sucked me in with Running With Scissors, and his follow-up, Dry. He can be very blunt & possibly disturbing for many readers. And while I've enjoyed the other works of his that I've read, none of them seem to impress me quite as much as the two listed above. You Better Not Cry is no exception. This one is a collection of stories from both childhood & adulthood, ranging from the ridiculous to the sentimental. It's an interesting mix, and thus, I tend to find certain stories quite enjoyable, while others maybe not quite so much. I think Burroughs shines most in the stories from his younger years, and I guess I tend to enjoy those most. Either way, the man has led a quite interesting life, which makes for, subsequently, quite interesting reading.
    • 2/5
      While there is humor I can't laugh - it's just too sad.
    • 4/5
      I liked this book a lot. It's short, with short chapters such as "Clause and Effect" - but the whole book is not all knee-slapping laughs. Although some of the stories brought me to tears by laughing, a few of them made me misty because they were simple and sweet. Augusten is just so gifted drawing in the reader to his raw emotions. Can't wait for his next book release in 2012!
    • 4/5
      Although I have seen the movie Running With Scissors, I had never read a book by Augusten Burroughs. This book has certainly inspired me to read more of his writing. It's hard to believe he managed to survive his youth, adolescence, and adulthood. And then not only to survive but produce fantastic tales of his life. great read.
    • 5/5
      funny all the way through
    • 4/5
      As always, Augusten Burroughs writes with humour and pathos. This collection of Christmas stories from his past and present about his love- hate relationship with Christmas is a good read.
    • 4/5
      What's that? You can't read a Christmas book in June? Bite your tongue! You can read Augusten any day. I love all of his works. They are so honest and engaging. And I have read them all. But my extreme lack of money at the beginning of the year meant I had to wait to read this because the Pullman library didn't have a copy. It was definitely not a happy, festive collection of holiday stories. But it was funny and heart touching and glorious. Read it. During any month. Where else are you going to find a story about a kid chewing the face off of a giant wax Santa? Yeah. And while your at it? Read the rest of his books, too.
    • 2/5
      You Better Not Cry is a collection of holiday stories that delves into family, tradition, and general wackiness. I am a very big fan of Augusten Burroughs, and was looking forward to a new collection from him. The first story was filled with Burroughs usual warmth and terrific story writing. I wish I could say that it continued throughout this short collection. This collection lacks Burroughs spark and creativity, and leaves the reader feeling incomplete. While I enjoyed the stories, I did not find myself completely engrossed in collection like I had been in previous works. It is a light and easy read, so perfect for someone who is wanting something quick and painless to read.
    • 2/5
      Great first chapter. Downhill after that.
    • 5/5
      I LOVED this book. The store about his boyfriend w/HIV made me cry. The story about him spending Christmas with bums was magical !
    • 3/5
      I do love Mr. Burroughs and his incredibly dry sense of humor. But this book disappointed me. The sad, dysfunctional childhood, was not off-set with the level of self-deprecation and humor to which I have grown accustomed. If you are trying Augusten Burroughs for the first time, I would suggest ‘Magical Thinking’ or ‘Sellivision’.
    • 3/5
      Burroughs is back, this time with a Christmas memoir. I first discovered Burroughs about 3 years ago and read every book he had written to date in one month. My friend and I both fell in love with him during the same summer. He is so irreverent and brutally honest. I wrote down pages and pages of quotations as I read Dry and Magical Thinking. Needless to say, I practically peed on myself when I found out he was coming out with another book.The memoir starts out rocky for me.Arranged chronologically, his first two or three stories are funny, but not overly so, and something about the first story made me downright uncomfortable. There were great moments, though. Burroughs goes into great detail of his long battle of alcoholism in his memoir Dry, and "Why do you reward me thus" features a Christmas when he goes on a drinking binge and literally wakes up huddled between two honest-to-goodness homeless bums.Or how about waking up next to a fat and dirty Santa in "Ask again later."Where Burroughs truly shines is when he is talking about his relationships with George and Dennis. His writing that at times can be crude and completely in your face is immediately tender when talking about those he has loved in the collection's last two stories, "The Best and Only Everything" and "Silent Night." Fans of the irreverent memoir or of Augusten's earlier work will appreciate most of the stories in the collection, especially the last two.
    • 5/5
      This is my favorite Augusten Burroughs book yet! I was a little skeptical at first. The book starts with some of his darkest stories from his childhood and early days as an alcoholic. They are fascinating in the way a train wreck is, you just can't bring yourself to look away. Slowly, as you work your way through the book, the stories begin to change as Augusten's idea of Christmas evolves. There is the Christmas a group of homeless people take him in, look after him, and teach him to accept help from others. The book ends with two truly heartwarming stories about taking care of an HIV positive boyfriend and dealing with a flood. Make no mistake, the hilarious, sarcastic humor is still there, but added is a real love for himself and the people around him. There was more depth of feeling and true emotion in some of these stories than I've ever seen in Augusten's other books. You Better Not Cry is the perfect holiday collection - you will definitely laugh, you might even shed a tear or two, and you'll end feeling strangely better about Christmas and what it means.
    • 3/5
      I really fell for Augusten’s writing with A Wolf at the Table. Maybe because I have an absent father. My mom divorced my father when I was about eight. Several years later my dad basically disappeared into the verdant scum that is Florida. He turned up several years ago but pretty much blew it. I’m not a fan of holidays and particularly do not like Christmas. So when someone writes stories about the holiday I’m not really thrilled about it but willing to read them if I like the author. YOU BETTER NOT CRY focuses on Christmas-related stories. So for me, they are hit and miss. There are seven stories in the slim green bound book and I particularly liked three. There’s the absurdity of a young Augusten making a brick-hard gingerbread house from scratch and sans recipe in “And Two Eyes Made Out of Coal.” In “Ask Again Later,” Augusten wakes up in a hotel bed next to a much older French guy dressed as Santa. Did they or didn’t they?, Augusten wonders and immediately rushes to his doctor for every test conceivable. He is then haunted by Santas throughout the streets of New York and of course thinks of this kinda creepy Frenchman. Augusten spends Christmas with his HIV-positive partner in the poignant, wistful and bittersweet “The Best and Only Everything.” Augusten is forthright with details about the initial rush of love and the banality of a relationship. Wanting what you don’t have and then not wanting what you have. We’ve all been there.I like the darkness in Augusten’s writing. The honesty. The bizarre. The raw. The surprises. He is willing to share intimate moments and thoughts. Of course, that makes or breaks a good memoirist. YOU BETTER NOT CRY might not be the best work by Augusten Burroughs but it will bring a smirk to your face or tear to your eye and that’s what the holidays are all about.